Yay, there's still something here! i was afraid that it was all gone after all this time! but no, my faithfull, anemic journal stood here waiting for me! thats nice... kinda reassuring... well, not really. i wish i could be poetic enough to consider the blogger this etheric being that will metamorphosize in my dreams as... yeah, no.. not my style...

So, there's some catching up to do... well, i guess the last 5 days probably sum up all the craziness of this period! Where should i start? wait, did i talk about g.? okay, i met g. in august last year i think. he's two years younger than me, super funny guy, we get along super well! blinded by the confidence that i can figure out a person like that, i did not realize who g. really was until a while ago! In my opinion he was a scared little kid, with no sexual experinece that found himself lost in a big world, but tried to hide it by being funny, cocky, getting all fired up over little shit... and so on... well i still think some of that stuff (can never learn my lesson) but now there's an addition - he's gay! ookay! once he found the guts to tell me that a whole new g. reemerged. not (as) lost, with a clear image of who he wants to be, how he want to be defined. It was a nice moment... and now i can't look at him but in this new way, and it's great. we've become much closer, he confides in me and he considers me his best friend. the problem is i still see the little boy in him, so i am not able to confide in him. in a way i don't want to give off my weak side. Well, a couple of days ago, g. got super mad at me, for, what i thouht, no reason. When i finally confronted him, the things that he said still shake me... they shake me because it is the first time someone expressed those kind of feelings to me, about me... it is the first time someone told me that they are thankfull that they ever met me, that i am such a strong person, that he is able to tell me anything and everything, that he trusts me and respects me. but i don't give anything back, i don't tell him anything about my life and what i am going through.
and he is perfectly right. i don't tell him, i don't tell anyone, mostly because i don't want to hear about it. there are those things hidden inside that i am ashamed of, and bringing them out to light, i am afraid, would make me 'look bad'! i am ashamed of who i am, of what i think

aaah, this all seems repetitive - i've said the same story so many times - but nothing is changing.. at least not at the rate i would like it to! i am more confident, and i think i am stronger - but i am not strong enough to stand by what i believe in. And if there is one thing that i should admire G. for is for accepting who he is! that is such a feat. to me, so hard to understand how anybody can do that!

but back to my story.... after g. gave me that beautiful little 'speech' that blew me away, i had to deal with something a little weirder. the person here, in the us, closest to being labeled as my best friend is m. i was comfortable enough with her to let out some of the stuff that i'm dealing with. and, as she put it, i was her best friend, the one person that truly understands her! Booon, well, i guess, she didn't completely trust my 'understanding' since for 2 months now she omitted to tell me that she built a relationship with a woman! i think this is a pretty important step in someone's life - realizing that you are bi! and i understand not wanting to tell anyone while you are considering it, or trying to deal with it within yourself. but the moment you fool around with a person, you start developing feelings for that person , even consider it a semi-relationship, i say, you're pretty damn comfortable with it to share with the so-called best friend! i really don't know what bothers me, or which part bothers me the most. the fact that she did all this behind my back (the three of us would hang out and i was oblivious to it all), or the jealousy that now she has not one person that loves her and wants her (her boyfriend) but two (or as she put it 'my god, it's like i have a boyfriend and a girlfriend'- which hurt so bad!). I think it's the latter! and maybe added to that is the attitude that she had through all this - the slight superiority, the 'ha, i'm being so naughty and it's so cool' - attitude that pissed me off.
as usual i am awful at renedring my thoughts in written form (maybe a proof of what a jumble is in my head!!), but the bottom line is that this incident made me analyze our entire relationship, and maybe it was in a moment of anger, but i realized that there wasn't anything worth naming 'best'! she taught me a lot of things about confidence, and i was there for her numerous times but it was all because either of us had nothing better! or, who knows, maybe i am her best friend - in that case her notion of best friend is way off! she dumped me the moment she found her girlfriend! no biggie, just another lesson learned!

well, losing a 'best friend' is not that bad if you are able to gain another... and i think it was the first time i was able to have a different kind of conversation with nick, one that did not involve our usual subject! he's a great guy, the more i spend time with him, the more i am able to admire his principles, his ideas... he's a pretty strong guy! if only i could get past the shield that he has up, and closer to his little soul. but it's hard - he keeps it pretty well locked, even from himself! we're somewhat alike - both stuck in that same point and not able to get out... both lonely but too proud to say it (well, thats mostly him!) i do believe that once he figures that one out, and finally puts aside that last bit of doubt that he is indeed a great guy, i would reciprocate the feelings that he now has for me (or i think he does!!). but it's a long road... and very bumpy for both of us!

in the same time, to complete the circle and go back to g... i told him the same story that i told nick, and i did not feel that i received the same kind of response - a little dissapointing... but i shouldn't lose faith!

it better not take me another month to post again!!