i was looking today at one of the phD students in my lab. He is about 35, married, just recently became a daddy! He's a very nice guy, fairly good looking - the kind of guy that could have the potential of a man with a lot of self-esteem. But, surprise, surprise... he doesn't have it! he's always apologizing for something, always scared of deadlines, of not pleasing our professor (his boss)...
he comes from Puerto Rico, and at one point when we were talking about parents educating their kids. and somehow he mentioned his dad, and how strict and forceful he was, and how he would use violence more or less to educate his kids. keeping that in the back of my head I started to make some connections.

this man is a perfect example of a human being raised in fear. He cannot state a fact without putting a question mark at the end, he's always self-deprecating, always putting himself down. The fear erased his identity. His attention focused on the desires and needs of his 'persecutor' (namely his dad, I guess) and he never had the strength to look at himself as an individual, as a unique, creative human being.

I see some of those patterns in myself. I think you get these characteristics when you have all the right ingredients - a child with a weaker grasp on his individuality, a more sensitive personality, maybe more aware of surroundings and situations; a parent that is exactly the opposite - egocentric, strong-willed, insensitive; and finally throw in some physical 'abuse' and you've got yourself a creature that has lost its sense of identity!

all because of fear!! Once faced with it we become animals - we are not able to rationalize, judge, analyze - it's all insides. And the younger you get faced with it, the deeper it is embedded in you! And it can take a lifetime or longer to carve it out...

or not... who knows.

to finish with my puerto rican friend, its funny/ironic/interesting to look at the kind of life companion that he has found. His wife is very controlling of him, and i sometimes see fear/panic in his relations with her (on the phone, being late for a meeting with her...). And that scares me, because instead of running from this kind of dominating relationship he goes, nose first, in it!

this would be a great case study! yeah, he works in the worng kind of lab - he should be in the psych building, not the bio one!

we are closer to the animal stage than we'd like to accept! stripped of all the thin veils that we cover ourselves with - we are just teeth and claws!

grrr