guess what i've just figured out?!?! (well, 'just' meaning two-three days ago...)... have you ever met the kind of people that will find all kinds of stupid reasons in order not to do shit just because they are afraid of that particular action or instance! Thats me!! that's what i do! the grand question is: Y(#3)?!??!?! why am i so afraid of relationships? what makes me so terrified of this simple thing, that i have to give in to every stupid reason that comes into my head?

you know, there are two kinds of people on this planet: the pleasers, and the pleasees (if thats even a word!)! yeah, so i'm the definition of the pleaser! my goal is to make everyone like me! and i do that through a very well set procedure. 1. i try to figure out a person - likes, dislikes, what are they trying to prove, who they want to be... 2. i mold my behavior around the characteristics of the person so that i will try to be on the same wavelength. 3. most of my actions will be in the benefit of that particular person! i'm a cameleon! obviously i do this for people that i'm interested in, that can fulfill a certain need of mine! very important!! i please in order to get what/who i want! wait, everyone does that??!?! then where is our real self? or are we just an amalgam of stolen personalities?

could this be an explanation for my relationship issue, though? i try to comply with the expectations that i think everyone else will have of the person that is to be 'with' me (what!?!?) that i am never able to find a guy that fits all criteria! eh... bullshit!

nah, i'm prolly just embarssed by my lack of experience in the 'field'! heck, i'm terrified of making a fool of myself in any situation, especially with a person that i am attached to! hey, it's the whole pleasing thing again! i want to please, but, in this case, i don't know how so i won't do it at all!! there's a smart solution! maybe i'm intelectualizing it more than i should... but you have to admit that when you have not been in a serious relationship in twenty years (translation: my whole life!) it kinda becomes a problem.

but i do see guys! and guys have certainly seen me!! looking back at my recent 'interactions' with men... i have either dated a couple of times - got tired of it, never called the person back (very mature!!), either slept with them - never called him either, or simply played stupid mind games with myself 'till i got tired... there is interaction, but the moment theres the question of anything serious - thats my cue to back out! isn't this annoying? don't you wanna just take me and throw me out the window? 'cause i would!

maybe i'm the only crazy, psychotic creature on this earth, but if there are souls out there who are goin through this... whatever it is... please, tell me... is there a way out!?!? or should i just give up now?

~ even more confused ~

shalom