Had a moment to slow down today, and thought i'd visit my old friend. See? this is the kind of friendship that "works" for me - I leave for ungodly amounts of time, but i come back, i don't forget about it, and when I come back i pick up right where i stopped. [i put works in brackets because it is doesn't really work since it is a one way kind of relationship; i talk, the little computer listens...] I slow down.. i'm able to pick up a thought and carry it, i'm able to peer inside and feel the need to celebrate the moment by putting on screen, for posterity. Maybe I don't even have something earth-shattering to say, but... I guess I want a conversation with myself. These times are rare when I can sit down with myself and not care about the million other things that normally bother me. These instances are usually triggered by some situations that either put me down [emotionally (hurt by someone..), mentally (tired to the extreme...) or lift me up. This moment is of the latter category. I just met my roommates new girlfriend. She is a student in art therapy and the sweetest most serene person I have met in a while. She seems so playful and fresh, and such a breath of cool, healthy air compared to the stuffy, hunched-back with worries type of folk i normally meet - it was a joyous moment.
I guess I don't have much to say... I would have to thank that great force out there that is kind enough to put in my path these small reminders. Courteous enough to show me another side of things, another 'option'. That's exactly what i was reading in this great book I was recently given, about the Haitian way of understanding and accepting God. They are one of the poorest people in the world, and when asked how they can believe in God, when He is able to allow such atrocities to happen in the world, they say: God gives but He doesn't share. Of course the implications in that case are political and social, but it sorta applies to my little case here too where I am given the option, but I am the one who has to choose the path - not an easy task.
I noticed that i'm very good at theorizing, i like the abstract - it's much harder when it comes to applying it to the real world. That's when I back out sorta, pull back in my little cave and sulk some more! Thats because analyzing things, drawing conclusions, pointing fingers and building these ethereal bridges from the tip of your mind is nothing compared to going against all that is comfortable and easy for you and forging a new you, a new Real you.
I need someone else (?) someone that I can do it for. I don't respect myself enough to ask for that kind of commitment, but I would do it for someone else just so I won't let that person down. It's a tricky concept but lack of self-respect/self-esteem whatever you want to call it, has deeper repercussions than I would have thought. But is it really this? Yeah i'm pretty sure this lack of respect is the answer. But where is it coming from? Why?