Hello Mr. Journal!

...And i just had my first fight over aim! let me tell you its a new exciting feeling. it is amazing how much more stuff you can tell someone if you dont have them in front of you... i never realized how intimidated i am by someone's presence. hmmm... could this have something to do with my dad - food for thought! yeah it wasnt pretty, especially since i dont really know what my feelings for masha are at this point. i know one thing - my opinion of her has changed a lot over time... but am i as unreasonable as she tells me i am?

i think she has a very strong defence mechanism in that she turns everything around to you - like she did to me that night when i told her about jenya and how shes making a mistake by getting back to him, her answer was: i don't tell you about your shit so why do you tell me about mine! hmmm... because i care.. i dunno. maybe thats not true, maybe i say it so that i can finally feel 'better' than her in a certain aspect. that sounds really bad, and i don't know if its true, but it is a possibility. for the longest time she seemed to have everything going for her - looks, boyfriend, school, confidence.... everything! maybe now that i finally found a glitch in her perfection i attacked it... i really dont know. but i do know that i dont like the way she takes what i have to say - i dont' think she shows the strength i thought she had. her confidence is more of a show, something that she holds on to, and that covers up the mess underneah. the thing is we all have that mess, but the more you peak under that carpet, it is gonna be easier to accept that mess, maybe change it a bit...accept yourself!! and don't be so quick to point the finger at the other person.

i am really afraid i am misjudging her, but i also dont want her to step on my tail again, because i am tired of that too... we'll see.

eh, back to the same old shit... i have never felt so weird during the school year. this whole free tuesday, thursday thing really trips me up - i really hope i can get on track and get my shit together before the exams start pouring in!

okay... off to sleepy time!

sweet dreams honey... sweet sweet dreams!